This is why I am not allowed to date.

Gather 'round, children.  I want to tell you a story.  It is a cautionary tale of bad blind dates and it is why I haven't had cheese dip in weeks.

Mommy Dearest and I went on a dinner date a few weeks ago to our favorite Mexican restaurant.  The same restaurant we eat at several times a month, and have been frequenting for over 10 years.  Needless to say, we know the wait staff very well.  We usually end up with Juan.  He's very pleasant and likes to talk about life.  He typically asks me if I have a boyfriend, and my answer is generally "no".  He never asked in a creepy way, just in a curious way.  The same way in which he asks about our friends that moved to France--just looking for updates.  Back to this dinner date with Mommy Dearest...Juan was our waiter and he asked me the usual dating question and my answer was, as usual, "no".  He then told me that he was single as well, and he was just looking for someone nice to go to dinner with and see a movie.  Here's where things get awkward.  Mommy Dearest suggests that we hang out.  Oh, dear God.  He gets excited and proceeds to ask me out.  In front of my mother.  And he still hasn't brought us our food.  He says he'd like to take me to dinner, if my mother approves.  Of course she says "yes," so I'm going to look like an ass-hat if I decline.  I reluctantly accept, because I really want my quesadilla to remain spit-free.  And because I get flustered in awkward situations like this.
He asks me to meet him at Red Lobster on Monday night.  Dinner was...nice?  I guess you can call Red Lobster nice.  Although I did find a sticker in my shrimp.  Not so bueno.  Conversation was awkward.  This man has been bringing me cheese dip for 14 years.  I don't even know his last name.  We exchanged life stories over fried shrimp.  He speaks English fairly well, but he has a really thick accent so I kept having to ask him to repeat himself.  Awkward.  And let me interject an important fact: I am NOT racist in any way.  After dinner, we went to the movies and saw "Our Idiot Brother."  It was so-so.  He kept leaning towards me and I leaned away.  I wasn't trying to be rude, but this was quickly moving from the friendly dinner boat to the oh-God-someone-throw-me-overboard-so-I-can-escape-the-awkwardness boat.  Abandon ship.
Throughout the evening, I mentioned repeatedly that work keeps me super busy and I don't ever go out anymore.  Not totally true, but not really a lie either.  He keeps texting me and calling me to go out again.  But I can't ever understand his messages because he speaks so quickly.  And he doesn't seem to understand me when I say I'm sorry but I'm not interested.  Help?

To make a long and awkward story short, I will cut a bitch for some cheese dip right about now.  Anyone know any good Mexican restaurants in my area?

1 comment:

Elizabeth A. said...

This is hysterical! Just saw your tweet, happy one year! And of course, I saw this post and had to read! TOO FUNNY! Hope you find your cheese dip :) xoxo let me know if youre in the charleston area!

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