This is why I am not allowed to date.

Gather 'round, children.  I want to tell you a story.  It is a cautionary tale of bad blind dates and it is why I haven't had cheese dip in weeks.

Mommy Dearest and I went on a dinner date a few weeks ago to our favorite Mexican restaurant.  The same restaurant we eat at several times a month, and have been frequenting for over 10 years.  Needless to say, we know the wait staff very well.  We usually end up with Juan.  He's very pleasant and likes to talk about life.  He typically asks me if I have a boyfriend, and my answer is generally "no".  He never asked in a creepy way, just in a curious way.  The same way in which he asks about our friends that moved to France--just looking for updates.  Back to this dinner date with Mommy Dearest...Juan was our waiter and he asked me the usual dating question and my answer was, as usual, "no".  He then told me that he was single as well, and he was just looking for someone nice to go to dinner with and see a movie.  Here's where things get awkward.  Mommy Dearest suggests that we hang out.  Oh, dear God.  He gets excited and proceeds to ask me out.  In front of my mother.  And he still hasn't brought us our food.  He says he'd like to take me to dinner, if my mother approves.  Of course she says "yes," so I'm going to look like an ass-hat if I decline.  I reluctantly accept, because I really want my quesadilla to remain spit-free.  And because I get flustered in awkward situations like this.
He asks me to meet him at Red Lobster on Monday night.  Dinner was...nice?  I guess you can call Red Lobster nice.  Although I did find a sticker in my shrimp.  Not so bueno.  Conversation was awkward.  This man has been bringing me cheese dip for 14 years.  I don't even know his last name.  We exchanged life stories over fried shrimp.  He speaks English fairly well, but he has a really thick accent so I kept having to ask him to repeat himself.  Awkward.  And let me interject an important fact: I am NOT racist in any way.  After dinner, we went to the movies and saw "Our Idiot Brother."  It was so-so.  He kept leaning towards me and I leaned away.  I wasn't trying to be rude, but this was quickly moving from the friendly dinner boat to the oh-God-someone-throw-me-overboard-so-I-can-escape-the-awkwardness boat.  Abandon ship.
Throughout the evening, I mentioned repeatedly that work keeps me super busy and I don't ever go out anymore.  Not totally true, but not really a lie either.  He keeps texting me and calling me to go out again.  But I can't ever understand his messages because he speaks so quickly.  And he doesn't seem to understand me when I say I'm sorry but I'm not interested.  Help?

To make a long and awkward story short, I will cut a bitch for some cheese dip right about now.  Anyone know any good Mexican restaurants in my area?

Friday?

I am unbelievably happy that today is Friday.

I've had a wave of inspiration (and motivation) with my jewelry business.  Hopefully I will get the chance to craft some things this weekend.  And sleep.  Lord knows I'd love to sleep.  Can it be nap time right now?

Here's today's jewelry collection:

1.  Watch: Michael Kors
2.  Owl necklace: I made this cute little guy for my jewelry line, Copper Alley.
3.  Ring: barse, from Rue La La

I've also developed an addiction to Pinterest.  It's pretty severe.  And it's probably contagious, too.  And etsy.  I'm awful.  This is why my savings account is so sad.  But my jewelry and craft collection is ever-growing!

Love life update: I went on a blind date last week and it was fun.  He's dropped off the face of the earth since then.  Another one bites the dust...

Love and Rockets,
A

Return of the Exes: 3D

My life is just one continuous stream of awkwardness.  And there was a lot of that this weekend, specifically awkwardness in the "dating" department.  I had a handful of exes pop back up.  Three, to be exact.

1. Golf Guy:  Now, I don't consider him an "ex" really, but he counts as someone that I had something with.  Specific, huh?  Things were going well (so I thought) back in early December and then he just fell off the face of the Earth.  I decided not to pursue him because I'm sick of the chase.  He knew where to find me if he was interested.  Needless to say, I didn't really hear from him.  He texted me his condolences on NYE about Granddaddy, which earned him some points in my book, but we hadn't really been talking since.  Well, Friday night, the BFFAE and I had a slumber party.  Mr. S (the BFFAE's BF) went out with Golf Guy (his BFF).  I received a text from Golf Guy that night, asking how our girls' night was going.  I can't say I was too surprised.  I was, however, a little irritated.  Dude...either you're interested or you're not.  I'm too old for this game.  I'm fragile.  And impatient.  We text-flirted for awhile, but that's basically the end of that.
2. BJ:  Let me give you a little history about BJ since I've never mentioned him.  I met BJ (his initials for the blog's sake, not his real name) the summer before 9th grade (2000) on a church retreat.  It was puppy love.  We spent the week holding hands, talking for hours on end, and just being generally adorable.  He lived at the beach, so we didn't do the "relationship" thing, but we definitely kept in touch and had major crushes on each other.  I had an AT&T calling card with 1,000 minutes on it and I used to call him and talk for hours at night.  This was before the days of cell phones, free long distance, and all that jazz.  I had strong feelings for him that didn't go away quickly.  We talked less frequently over the years, but every time we did talk, it was like no time had passed at all.  (I feel really childish writing this, but it was the closest thing I'd known to love at age 14.)  My junior year of high school, I called him and asked him if he would be my prom date.  I knew it was a long shot since he lived almost 5 hours away, but I thought he was so dreamy and couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather go to prom with.  He said he needed to check with his parents (they were divorced so he had to make sure it was ok on all fronts).  Before hanging up, he said, "I love you and I will call you tomorrow."  That was the last I ever heard from him.  Yes, I'm bitter about it.  I ended up going to prom with my gay friend, Justin, who was the best date ever.  Fast forward to 2007 when I'm living in Italy.  Guess who finds me on MySpace?!  BJ sent me a message and apologized for the way things had ended and I felt like I got a little closure.  Then, a few months later, he defriended me on MySpace because his girlfriend didn't want him talking to me.  Mature.  Recently, I found him and friended him on Facebook, just to see how life was going.  Ok, you caught me, I wanted to Facebook stalk him.  Happy?  Saturday night I got a Facebook message from BJ.  I stared at the icon on my phone just trying to imagine what in the world it would say.  Was it spam?  Did he actually have something to talk to me about?  Did his wife know he was contacting me (because yes, he got married last year)?  Would his wife care?  Why should she care?  Why did I care?  I finally opened the message and here's what it said: "Hey Girl....How about give me a call 843-***-****.....I need to get your address. I have something of yours that you gave me a long time ago and you may want it back.....BJ"  I knew immediately what it was: a ring.  Somehow he'd ended up with a silver ring of mine and apparently he still had it...after 11 years.  I summoned up the nerve to call him that night.  (I was a ball of nerves because I hadn't heard his voice in years, I didn't know what to say to him, I still harbor a little bitterness towards him, and I was afraid his wife would answer.  I'm lame.)  We talked for about half an hour and caught up with each other's life.  He said that he'd been keeping the ring and found it last week and wanted to send it back to me in case it held any sentimental value to me.  I was touched.  And I do want the ring back.  Want to see what he looks like?                                                                                  



I took this picture from his Facebook.  He's married, a cop, and has an adopted 7-year-old son.

3. CW:  CW was my first serious relationship.  I met him on a church mission trip called Salkehatchie (see a theme...).  We met the summer before my senior year of high school (2003) and started dating pretty much right away.  Again, this was a long distance thing (another unfortunate theme in my relationships). He lived about 3ish hours away and we both had cars, so it wasn't terrible.  He would come and spend the weekend at my house about every 6 weeks.  Doesn't sound like a lot, but it is when you're talking about being in high school and having your boyfriend come spend the weekend with you.  He was my first "real" love.  He wasn't the greatest boyfriend in the world, by he was mine.  He came to see me for Valentine's Day and wore a Piggly Wiggly t-shirt.  Not so classy.  The following summer, we we went back on the same mission trip.  (It was held in his hometown again so he was a volunteer.)  Four days before our 1 year anniversary, while he was less than 2 miles from the church where we spent the night, he dumped me over the phone.  I was heartbroken.  Couldn't function.  He said he just didn't love me anymore.  We continued to see each other throughout the week and I put on my brave face.  It also helped that I had a lot of guy friends on the trip and they made a point to talk about how great I was and how pretty I was right in front of him and he got pretty jealous.  We patched things up as far as the friendship went and ended on a better note.  We talked some over the years, mostly when he would call me when he was intoxicated.  I've since deleted his number from my phone, as I had no reason to call him.  Fast forward to this past Sunday morning.  I checked my phone when I woke up for church and I had received an inappropriate text from a number I didn't recognize.  What did the text say, you ask?  Well, it wasn't awful, but it was certainly creepy: "I want to f you."  Say what?!  I texted back and asked who it was.  I was thinking it was a wrong number or a friend playing a prank or just someone creepy that I would have to block immediately.  It was CW.  He responded and apologized.  Apparently, one of his friends had taken his phone and sent out random inappropriate texts.  We briefly texted back and forth about what we were up to these days and then said our goodbyes.  And I'm sure you want to see him, too, huh?                                                         



This is CW.  I don't really know what to say about him. 

So that was the awkwardness of my weekend.  And I saw Black Swan.  It was maybe the most disturbing movie I've ever seen, and I've seen some really disturbing movies.  (My cousin forced me to watch Faces of Death.  Google it if you dare.)  I left the theater feeling really uncomfortable and anxious.  And confused.

Creepy.

Awkward snuggles,
A

I take dating advice from children and that does not make me creepy.

I realize that I haven't really had anything exciting to blog about lately. Hence the posts about pie. Tonight, I actually have a funny story to share. Sit back and enjoy.

I'm sure you've realized by now that I'm a babysitter extraordinaire. Thursday night, I had the pleasure of spending time with two of my favorite little girls, Ellie Belle and Pookie. (Those are not their real names, but that's what I call them and that's what matters.) Today is Ellie Belle's 6th birthday. Happy birthday, Ellie Belle! Last night, EB casually mentioned her "boyfriend" in conversation.
Moi: So, is your boyfriend Spencer cute?
EB: Hes funny. That's what really matters.

True statement!

Moi: How do I get a boyfriend like you?
EB: You just have to wrestle with him. Then he'll want to be your boyfriend for sure. At school, I talk about how Spencer and I are going to get married.
Moi: What does Spencer think about that? (If I mention anything even remotely close to marriage to a guy, he runs for the border, changes his number, and sells his identity on Craigslist to the first bidder. Or he suddenly remembers that he's Jewish and has a deep-seeded fear of commitment and breaks up with me over the phone while I'm on vacation. I'm lucky like that.)
EB: He wants to marry me, too.
Moi: How did you get him to want to marry you already?
EB: You just have to wrestle with a boy like a hundred times and then he'll definitely agree to marry you.

Ooohhhhhh, so that's how you do it. Clearly it is easier when you're 5. When I asked her the best place to wrestle, she told me that you're only supposed to wrestle outside. If only I could make Ellie Belle's plan work for me. I have a feeling that I'd have very different results. By my tone, I'm sure you can tell that things with Golf Guy aren't exactly going as I'd hoped. I'm not really ready to get into all that and I don't want to make assumptions about it, but I'll probably share it all in another post.

Pookie is 3, and she is a firecracker. She calls me Alicagain. I've been called much worse. She got a "big girl bed" last week. It's not your standard twin size bed that kids usually transition to after a crib; it's a legit full size bed. I put her in her jammies, read her bedtime stories, tucked her in, turned off her lights and left her so I could put Ellie Belle to bed. I hear her calling out for her Mommy, so I go back in and check on her. I was caught by surprise when I opened the door. The lights were on, her jammies were in the corner, her diaper was on the floor, and she was standing naked as a jaybird in the middle of the bed. I asked her what had happened and she shrugged and said "I dunno." Priceless.

Ellie Belle kept getting out of bed and told me that she was just too excited about her birthday to be able to sleep. I told her that if she didn't go to sleep, she would never turn 6. She immediately said goodnight and stayed in bed the rest of the night. Lies work like a charm. I'm going to be such a great mom...in like 20 years. If I can ever find a boy to wrestle with and rope into marrying me. That seems very unlikely.

In other news, I bought Princess Fiona some light-up reindeer antlers. I'll get pictures of that soon. That may be a contributing factor in my singleness.

Hugs,
A

In a funk. Rebooting and regrouping.

Today is one of those days.  I just feel blah about everything.  I'm lacking in the self-worth and brains department.  I think I need a life coach.  Someone that will force empower me to make good life choices and remind me that I'm a kick-ass person.  Sometimes I forget/doubt it.  On top of my poor life choices, I forgot to pay my rent this month.  What?!  It's due by the 5th of the month.  I remembered today.  Today is the 6th.  I had to pay a really awesome $66 late fee.  I've never been late with my rent.  If you could see my face, it's not a happy one.

Here's a hypothetical situation for y'all to ponder.  Let's say there is a really awesome person who may or may not have a case of the "likes" towards you.  (You have indicated that this is mutual, although you tend to be hot and cold, just like Katy Perry said you'd be.)  You invite said person over to hang out and she is super thoughtful and knows that you didn't eat supper, so she brings you some leftover homemade spaghetti and some chocolate cake.  Thoughtful, remember?  She was even cool enough to bring you enough so that you could take it to work tomorrow and have lunch.  What would you think/do?  If you answer incorrectly, you are dead to me.  Just kidding.  Well, maybe.

I'm in a funk.  I feel like that episode of Glee.  Help.

In case you haven't heard via Facebook, I had to reboot.  That's right, I'm wearing das boot again.  I have been having a lot of pain in my right foot and I was trying to shrug it off and pretend that it was just going to hurt while I was getting used to walking in normal shoes.  Last Wednesday, I had physical therapy.  I told her about my pain and that one of my toes looked funny.  She thinks I have a stress fracture.  The bad part?  It's in a completely different area of my foot than the original break.  I guess I just have brittle feet?  I go back to the doctor in the morning for x-rays and we will see.  Add bionic feet to my Christmas list, Santa baby.  I also need wool socks because my toes get cold in das boot.

And to revert back to the origins of this blog, I will leave you with some song lyrics:
"'Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?'...Winter just wasn't my season." -Anna Nalick, "Breathe (2AM)"

Meh,
A

Touching your junk is rude, and so is ignoring my texts.

I must get this off of my chest...

My boss, bless his heart, has a terrible habit that makes me want to gauge out my eyeballs and run away screaming.  I hear you asking, "what could be so terrible?"  The man scratches his man-business all the time!  It has to be some major junk issue, because it's out of control.  He does it when he stands in front of my desk to talk to me...when his junk is at eye-level for me.  Inappropriate.  I clearly can't say anything.  What's a girl to do??

On another crotch-related note, Victoria's Secret has a sale on panties.  They are running a 7/$25 special on certain styles.  Check it out here!  Just just the promo code VS7PANTY when you check out.  [I just made myself a little uncomfortable talking about my boss's crotch and my crotch in the same post.  Please excuse me while I go vom.  Kthanks.]

I just checked my tracking number for FedEx for my iPad and it has been delivered!!  I can't wait to get home and play.  This will be my first Mac, other than my iPod, and my first touch screen so it's going to take some getting used to.  I think I can handle it.

Let's chat about men/Golf Guy.  I thought that he'd lost interest after my birthday festivities, and I tried to cope with that.  I'd texted him a few times with no response so I figured I should take a hint.  Last week, I get a random text from him asking if I would like to go with him to Atlanta to the Falcons game that Sunday.  Yes please!  Except I have to lead youth on Sundays.  Boo.  BFFAE and Mr. S invited me to go to a relatively new bar with them on Saturday night and I decided I should make the effort to be sociable.  (Mainly because I thought Golf Guy would be there.)  We exchanged texts and he had decided to stay home since he's partied a little too hard the night before.  We've been exchanging some flirty texts since then, and I really do like him.  However, he goes all "guy" on me.  One day he's texting and flirting and talking up a storm.  The next day...nada.  Can someone explain this to me?  I'd really love to hang out soon, but I refuse to be the pushy girl again.  I seem to always be enthusiastic about the possibility of a new romance, and I always get burned in the end.  Here's hoping I stick to my guns.  (Metaphorical guns.  Carrying around actual guns would be a bad plan.  Unless you live in Texas.  I hear children carry six-shooters in Texas.  Remind me to visit Texas someday.)  Seriously though...any advice?

Is it 5o'clock yet?

Winks and LOLs,
A

Like It's Her Birthday!

"Drinking champagne, going insane...like it's her birthday!"

Cardiology by Good Charlotte {here}

Today is officially my last day being 23.  What better way to celebrate myself than to relive all of the "awesome" moments from the past year!  Shall we?  We shall.

1.  I was the bridesmaid (yes, the only one) in my cousin's Halloween wedding.  I can't make this stuff up.  She met her husband online.  "Oh, that's perfectly normal," you say.  I say you haven't heard the rest of the story.  They met online playing World of Warcraft.  My cousin has always been a fan of Halloween, vampires, witches, and general spookiness.  She went through a very long goth phase in her life.  I'm totally okay with that.  It wasn't a huge shocker when she picked Halloween as her wedding day.  It was a surprise when, after 5 years of us not hanging out, she texts me and asks me to be in her wedding.  Do I get to wear a costume?!?!?!

They got married in my Aunt's front yard.  And yes, he did wear those sunglasses and that hat during the ceremony.

We don't look too scary.  And I made her bouquet.

2.  I lost my job in December.  Ten days before Christmas.  It was traumatic, but one of the best things to ever happen to me.  I'm thankful to be out of that toxic environment.  That's a story for another time.

3.  I awkwardly dated English Teacher.  English Teacher is a guy I went to college with.  We had Wellness Class together our first semester of freshman year, and remained friends ever since.  Since graduation, he has gone on to be a high school English teacher, hence the nickname.  Somehow we ended up deciding that we needed to go to dinner together.  And then somehow we decided that we should kiss.  And thus, the awkward "relationship" ensued.  He's a great guy, but it just wasn't a great fit.  Our second "date" was a group thing for New Year's Eve.  English Teacher invited me to go out with some friends, including our mutual friend, Redneck Photographer.  Redneck Photographer's birthday happens to be NYE, so it was a joint celebration.  The party guests included myself, English Teacher, Redneck Photographer, and 2 other guys.  Where did we go for NYE?  A strip club.  See why all of this is awkward?  Anyway, over the next few months, English Teacher and I went on some dates, and then he fell off the face of the earth.  The End. 

4.  Mommy Dearest and I decided to go on vacation to London and Dublin.  It was great, and lasted much longer than expected because we got stuck over there when the volcano erupted.  

On Westminster Bridge, in front of the Houses of Parliament.

Dublin was pretty and green.

5.  I went on the worst date in the history of dates.  I'm really not kidding.  I think I'm going to recount that magical nightmare-ish night for you now.  One day, I got a text from a guy that I've known (through mutual friends) since college.  We're going to call him Mr. Pretentious.  We chatted and he suggested that we meet up for dinner one night and catch up.  I say yes, because it would be nice to catch up with someone I haven't seen in a long time.  He asks where I want to eat downtown, and I suggest Wild Wings or Mexican or something of that variety.  He insists the we go somewhere nicer and says it's his treat.  In my mind, that does not mean that it's a date.  On dates, you don't specify that you're treating.  Am I wrong in this thought process???  I decided that we should meet downtown at the restaurant (so I could escape if things got weird).  He picked a fancy Italian restaurant that had a pricey menu, but lacked authenticity.  (Yes, I do get to critique Italian restaurants because I lived in Italy for 4 months.  Shut up.)  I arrive first, but they can't seat me until my whole party is there, so I'm forced to wait outside on a bench in the cold.  He calls and tells me that he's stuck at the bank because he went to get cash for dinner and his card didn't work because he'd spent too much money at the bars last night.  Strike 1.  He showed up not long after and we finally got to sit down and eat.  Mr. Pretentious keeps asking if I want a drink, to which I say no (against my better judgement) because I'm afraid that his card won't be working and I will get stuck with the bill.  He orders his "drink of choice" (that's seriously what he calls it) and dares me to guess what it is.  What was it?  An effing double screwdriver.  I don't even drink screwdrivers because I feel like a little girl doing so.  If there is going to be alcohol in my OJ, it's going to be champagne and it's going to be in a nice glass.  Strike 2.  I finally cave and order a glass of wine to calm my nerves.  Mr. Pretentious talks about himself all through dinner, telling stories and bragging about how exciting his life is.  His life is not exciting.  (See, I have a very exciting life and that's why I blog.  See the difference?  Shut up.)  He brags that he dropped out of college because he was lazy.  Strike 3.  He brags that he smoked pot in high school when he was on a Drama Club trip to NYC.  Strike 4.  He brags that his parents think he's an alcoholic.  Strike 5.  He brags that he has 2 jobs just to support his drinking habit (how responsible...).  Strike 6.  His roommate is the most obnoxious and crude DJ in town.  Strike 7.  He had a dog but gave it away because pets are too big of a responsibility.  Strike 8.  He bragged that he is a Gamer.  He legit called himself that.

Me: "So what do you like to do in your spare time, when you're not working?"

Mr. Pretentious: "Ummm, hello?  I'm a Gamer!"

Me: [awkwardly] "So what do you like to play?"

Mr. P: "Call of Duty!  Ha, like there's any other game.  Listen to yourself.  I've got a headset and everything.  It's pretty awesome."

Me: "I got a Wii for Christmas.  I play it sometimes..." [awkward]

Strike 9.  My dinner was mediocre, at best.  We finished eating around 8:00pm and went to the bar next door for a drink.  I had tried to bail but it was too early to go home and say that I was going to bed, and let's be honest, I needed a drink.  I order my standard Jack D drink, and he of course orders another screwdriver.  I had the brilliant plan to start talking about The Ex and make him think that I still wasn't over him.  Didn't work.  

Mr. P: "You're lucky, ya know?  I only date girls that are older than 22."

Me: "Did I say I was 23?  I mean't 21.  My bad..."

Mr. P: "Wanna know why?"

Me: "No..."

Mr. P:  "Because girls younger than 22 only want to do one thing: party.  That's all they ever think about."

Me:  "Umm...not me.  I don't really ever think about partying.  I've moved past that stage in my life."

Mr. P:  "You're wrong.  Trust me...I know what I'm talking about."

Me:  "Ahh, yes.  You know because you're a 22 year-old female.  I forgot.  What was I thinking?"

Strike 10.  Around 9:00pm I pretend that I'm exhausted and tell him that I'm going to head home and go to bed because I'm an old lady.  It's raining at this point, but I didn't care.  I was parked in the garage that was literally a block away.  He wouldn't let me walk.  He called a rickshaw to come pick us up and drive me a block to my car.  I was so embarrassed and the rickshaw driver was pissed.  Strike 11.  We get to the garage and I get out to walk to my car.  Mr. Pretentious follows me!  The rickshaw driver saw his chance and escaped.  Mr. Pretentious tries to convince me to go down to a different bar to hang out with his friend who is DJing.  [Sidenote: This "friend" is a guy I used to date.  The same guy that introduced me to Mr. P.]  Why the hell would I want to hang out with both of them at the same time?!  To quote Whitney Houston, "Crack is whack! Hell to the no!"  After I convince him that I am not coming out with him and that I'm going to bed, I head home.  Here is the text message exchange that followed.

Mr. P: I had an awesome time 2nite.

Me: I made it home.  Goodnight.

Mr. P: Y dont u grab a bottle and come over 2 watch a movie?

Mr. P: bottle of wine*

[He's trying to impress me by acting like he likes wine since I had a glass at dinner.  It's not working.]

Me:  Already in bed.  Goodnight.

Mr. P:  Thats ok if u want to pass out. i know how 2 keep u up ;)

Mr. P:  Wanna play truth or dare???

Me:  Truth: going to bed.  GOODNIGHT

Mr. P:  Wats my most attractive feature?

WTF, people?  No sir.  Strike 264684354984634687.  He's out.

6.  I got a new job!

7.  I started my own copper jewelry business.

These are monogrammed necklaces that I made as bridesmaid gifts for someone.

8.  I broke my foot.  Lame.

9.  I'm still pretty awesome, but only on days that end in "y."

10.  If you made it through this long and drawn out post, here is your reward.

Here I am (age 5) being awesome.  Happy (almost) birthday to me!

Snuggles and candy corn kisses,

A