Humpty Hump

I'm dogsitting for a week for my friend RG again. (For a refresher on the last time I did this, read here.)  This time, I have all 4 dogs- Bob, Parker, Maddie, and Toot. The 3 little ones were wild when I got there last night. I'd been babysitting so I got in pretty late and just wanted to go straight to bed. Parker was wearing a fresh diaper (yes, he wears diapers...read here) and Maddie and Toot had just been outside so we were set to go to bed. I crawled in and expected the 3 little ones to follow. They didn't. I started to hear strange dog noises so I walked back into the living room and flipped on the light. I gasped in horror. Toot was humping Maddie (both girls) and Parker (boy) was watching and chewing on a squeaky toy. Ahhhhhhh! Humping and squeaking!!! I couldn't handle it. RG had warned me that they'd been in heat but assured me it was over. Clearly not. I yelled at them to stop having the lesbian puppy sex but they were not deterred. They continued humping noisily for an hour. I can't make this stuff up. I have a cat and she was fixed when she was 2 weeks old so I have no idea how to deal with animals humping. Tips? Therapy ideas? I need to go wash my brain with bleach now.

Maddie has a serious underbite.

That is just wrong.

No humping allowed, 

A

P is for...

It's Tuesday again, so you know what that means...Talk To Us Tuesday with Impulsive and Shawn!




I had a really awkward moment last night and it's my duty to share it with you. It's not pleasant, but it's incredibly awkward. You've been warned.

I had some errands to run after work and I really had to pee, but I didn't want to use a public restroom. I was convinced I could wait until I got to Mommy Dearest's house to meet her for dinner. I got to her house and rushed immediately to the bathroom. I hurriedly sat down on the toilet and commenced peeing like Austin Powers in his International Man of Mystery movie. You know the one? All of a sudden, I hear the sound of liquid splattering on the hardwood floor. I looked down in horror. Somehow, in my haste to urinate, I had done so with great force and unparalleled and accidental accuracy. I had managed to pee precisely through the tiny gap between the toilet bowl and the seat. Not only had I peed I the floor, but I'd peed all over my pants leg. I couldn't have managed that if I would have tried! How does that even happen?! Needless to say, I had some serious laundry to do.

What's the most awkward thing that's happened to you lately?

Sparkle hearts,
A

Here's another reason why cats rule and dogs drool.

Today is the day after Monday, so that means it's time for Talk To Us Tuesday.  It's this great thing over on Impulsive Addict's blog and y'all should check it out.  (And thank you, Impulsive, for giving me interwebs knowledge via Twitter in the wee hours.)

Now, what shall I talk about?

Poop.  I think that's a good start.  

I live in an apartment complex and most of my neighbors have dogs.  I do not.  I have Princess Fiona and I love her.  My complex has those handy doggy clean-up stations.  You know, the ones with the trashcan and the little baggies for picking up poop?  Well I apparently either live with the dumbest people in the world or the laziest.  I went outside last night to take the trash out and decided to go for a little walk afterwards.  I got back up to my apartment and I bent over to feed Fiona.  This put my face in close proximity to the litter box.  I smelled poop.  I checked, but her box was clean.  And then I saw it.  There was a giant turd on the bottom of my shoe.  And all over my beige carpet.  I was livid.  One of my stupid/lazy neighbors couldn't take the .2 extra seconds to pick up their dog's poop and I ended up stepping in it and tracking it back into my home.  Needless to say, I spent the remainder of the night cleaning, but I couldn't get the poop smell out of my nostrils.  I wish I knew who the guilty party was because I would have words with them.  And then I might scoop up the rest of the poop from the grass and leave them a nice present on their doormat.  Jerks.

Does anyone else have this problem where they live?  How would you deal with it?

Sparkle hearts,

A

Do they even make LA Gear anymore?

I have arrived in Las Vegas!
I had a quick 20 minute flight to Charlotte, NC and then o had about an hour and a half to kill until my connecting flight left. I decided to grab some food at Salsarita's Express. Bad call. It was crazy expensive and the food was awful. Luckily, there was a gelato place right by my gate, so I was able to end on a yummy note. When I looked at my seat assignment on my ticket, I cringed. I was in a middle seat on a full flight. Damn. I was sandwiched between 2 large men, and neither one of them smelled particularly fresh/pleasant. Double damn. Then the pilot announced that we'd be flying against headwinds so our flight would be about 40 minutes longer. Triple damn. Sheesh...I hope I have better luck once I get to Vegas, or I'm going to be losing all my money in the slots. Just kidding. Kinda.
The large man on my right kept to himself (except for the significant portion of him rear-end that occupied my seat). I can't say the same for the man on my left. First of all, let me paint you a picture: This man was wearing a white LA Gear sweatshirt, white cargo pants, and some serious gold jewelry. When the flight attendant came by with the beverage cart, he asked for tomato juice. But he pronounced "tomato" like toe-maa-toe, like a jackass. He had a nasally Northern accent, so that made it even worse. And the smell of the tomato juice just added to his unpleasant aromas. To top that all off, he kept complaining that there was no in-flight movie. There weren't even screens. I politely nodded and inserted my iPod headphones for the next 5 hours.
It's been a long day and I am cranky. Can you tell? The 3 hour time difference isn't helping much right now, either. And I'm hungry.

Goodnight lovers.
A

Everybody poops.

My morning at the office started out on a painfully awkward note.
My coworker came into the office a little before 9am.  She stood in the lobby and wrinkled up her nose.  "It smells bad in here.  Does anyone else smell that??  It's terrible!"  I walked through the lobby on my way to the kitchen, and sure enough, it stunk.  About that time, my boss emerged from the restroom.  He looked at me, very embarrassed, and sighed.  OMG.  I was about as uncomfortable as I was after seeing Black Swan.  And I wasn't even the one that had said something.

Pooping in the office is awk.  Just throwing that out there.

On a more serious note, today marks the one month anniversary of Granddaddy's death.  I miss him everyday.  Every.  Single.  Day.

Love and Rockets,
A

Lessons in customer service etiquette. And maybe some conjunctivitis, because that's sexy.

I don't know what the weather is like where y'all live, but it's nasty here.  Cold, wet, and icky.  This weather affects my mood and makes me a wee bit cranky.  And bitter.  And freaking cold.  Although cold isn't an emotion...shut up.

On my lunch break, I decided to stop by the gas station and get some of the nectar of the gods Dr. Pepper.  I was like the third person in a long check-out line.  The woman running the register had the IQ of a potato chip.  She had 14-inch-long fingernails that looked like she was vying for a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Well, maybe not quite that long.  How does she wipe her own arse?  {here}

Somehow, she manages to close her register.  She has no clue how it happened and no clue how to fix it.  Like zip, zilch, nada.  Dumber than potato chips.  She then informs everyone in line that we should probably leave because she wasn't going to be able to do anything.  Really?!  If you own a business that hires cashiers, here are a few ground rules you should probably follow:

1. Never hire anyone who is not capable of operating a register.  After all, that is their main task.
2. If you are dumb enough to hire someone who is not capable of operating said register, never allow them to work a shift alone.
3. Don't hire people with potato chip IQs.

Needless to say, I left empty-handed.  She seems like the type of person who spells Nancy with an "S."  Stupid people should not be allowed to breed.  I, clearly, would be allowed to have infinite amounts of babies, because I am not one of those people.  (Shut up.)  

I mentioned in my last post that I did quite a bit of shopping on Black Friday.  I received a phone call from my bank last night alerting me that I might have someone fraudulently using my account.  Yikes!  As instructed, I called the fraud customer service line and try to get to the bottom of this.  She said that there had been an abnormal amount of activity on my account in the past few days and they needed to verify that the transactions were indeed mine.  A hold had been placed on my account just to be safe.  Okay...  She reads off a seemingly endless list of transactions.  All of them were mine.  She judged me.  I politely explained to her that there were bazillions of sales this weekend, as it is one of the busiest shopping weekends of the whole year.  I was obviously buying Christmas presents for all of the wonderful people in my life useless stuff for myself.  Tis the season, lady.  She still judged me and suggested that I not do that again.  After all, if I was spending at such a rapid pace that it would suggest fraud, that might be a problem.  She's jealous that I didn't buy her anything on Black Friday.

I think I may be coming down with a sweet case of pink eye.  Aren't I too old for this?  Let's all say a prayer that I just have itchy eyeballs.  Better yet, let's pray that my eyeballs stop itching all together.  I like that plan better.

Amen,

A