What we have here is a failure to communicate.

There seems to be a common theme running through my life lately.  That theme is miscommunication.  Come to think of it, it's not just lately.

Gather 'round children, while I tell you an awkward story from my past.

When I was a sophomore in college, I took a class for Interim (the school's January term) with my core group of friends.  We went to Italy for 19 days to study art history.  Totally my jam.  We started our trip in Rome, made our way through Tuscany to Florence, and ended our trip in Venice.  I didn't speak a lick of Italian.  I also tend to have a thick southern accent (especially when I've consumed alcohol or when I'm sleepy).  One night, we were at a bar in Venice.  It was super late and we hadn't slept much that trip.  Who wants to sleep when you are in Italy?!  I moseyed on up to the bar and--in my best broken Italian--asked the bartender where the toilets were located.  (They don't use polite phrases like "restroom" or "bathroom" so you have to be direct.)  The bartender winked at me and handed me a shot.  Well that's odd.  I didn't order a shot...  I decided that maybe he just didn't understand me and was trying to flirt with the American girl.  But I had to pee.  I went back up to the bar a few minutes later and the scenario repeated itself.  I asked for the toilet and he winked and gave me a shot.  I was extremely confused but I took my shot and walked away.  Then I really had to pee.  Remember that scene at the beginning of Austin Powers where he pees for like 8 minutes straight?  It was like that.  I walked back up to the bar in a final attempt to ask for directions/key to the toilet.  I saw the all-too-familiar scenario happening again but I was powerless to stop it.  I had pretty much decided I'd end up peeing myself.  Out of the blue, emerged an intoxicate angel.
Drunk angel: What do you want?
Moi:  I have to pee!  I keep asking him where the toilet is and he keeps giving me more to drink and OMGIMGONNAWETMYPANTSNOW!
DA:  That's not what you're asking him.
Moi:  Of course it is!  Wait...what do you mean?
DA:  You should be saying "Dove toletta?"
Moi:  Yea, that's what I said...
DA:  No, you said "Dove tu letto?"  That's definitely not the same.
Moi:  Big whoop.  What's the difference?
DA:  You meant to ask "Where is the toilet?" but you really asked "Where is your bed?"


No wonder he was so friendly.  Sheesh.

You're welcome.

Awkward hugs,
A

Return of the Exes: 3D

My life is just one continuous stream of awkwardness.  And there was a lot of that this weekend, specifically awkwardness in the "dating" department.  I had a handful of exes pop back up.  Three, to be exact.

1. Golf Guy:  Now, I don't consider him an "ex" really, but he counts as someone that I had something with.  Specific, huh?  Things were going well (so I thought) back in early December and then he just fell off the face of the Earth.  I decided not to pursue him because I'm sick of the chase.  He knew where to find me if he was interested.  Needless to say, I didn't really hear from him.  He texted me his condolences on NYE about Granddaddy, which earned him some points in my book, but we hadn't really been talking since.  Well, Friday night, the BFFAE and I had a slumber party.  Mr. S (the BFFAE's BF) went out with Golf Guy (his BFF).  I received a text from Golf Guy that night, asking how our girls' night was going.  I can't say I was too surprised.  I was, however, a little irritated.  Dude...either you're interested or you're not.  I'm too old for this game.  I'm fragile.  And impatient.  We text-flirted for awhile, but that's basically the end of that.
2. BJ:  Let me give you a little history about BJ since I've never mentioned him.  I met BJ (his initials for the blog's sake, not his real name) the summer before 9th grade (2000) on a church retreat.  It was puppy love.  We spent the week holding hands, talking for hours on end, and just being generally adorable.  He lived at the beach, so we didn't do the "relationship" thing, but we definitely kept in touch and had major crushes on each other.  I had an AT&T calling card with 1,000 minutes on it and I used to call him and talk for hours at night.  This was before the days of cell phones, free long distance, and all that jazz.  I had strong feelings for him that didn't go away quickly.  We talked less frequently over the years, but every time we did talk, it was like no time had passed at all.  (I feel really childish writing this, but it was the closest thing I'd known to love at age 14.)  My junior year of high school, I called him and asked him if he would be my prom date.  I knew it was a long shot since he lived almost 5 hours away, but I thought he was so dreamy and couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather go to prom with.  He said he needed to check with his parents (they were divorced so he had to make sure it was ok on all fronts).  Before hanging up, he said, "I love you and I will call you tomorrow."  That was the last I ever heard from him.  Yes, I'm bitter about it.  I ended up going to prom with my gay friend, Justin, who was the best date ever.  Fast forward to 2007 when I'm living in Italy.  Guess who finds me on MySpace?!  BJ sent me a message and apologized for the way things had ended and I felt like I got a little closure.  Then, a few months later, he defriended me on MySpace because his girlfriend didn't want him talking to me.  Mature.  Recently, I found him and friended him on Facebook, just to see how life was going.  Ok, you caught me, I wanted to Facebook stalk him.  Happy?  Saturday night I got a Facebook message from BJ.  I stared at the icon on my phone just trying to imagine what in the world it would say.  Was it spam?  Did he actually have something to talk to me about?  Did his wife know he was contacting me (because yes, he got married last year)?  Would his wife care?  Why should she care?  Why did I care?  I finally opened the message and here's what it said: "Hey Girl....How about give me a call 843-***-****.....I need to get your address. I have something of yours that you gave me a long time ago and you may want it back.....BJ"  I knew immediately what it was: a ring.  Somehow he'd ended up with a silver ring of mine and apparently he still had it...after 11 years.  I summoned up the nerve to call him that night.  (I was a ball of nerves because I hadn't heard his voice in years, I didn't know what to say to him, I still harbor a little bitterness towards him, and I was afraid his wife would answer.  I'm lame.)  We talked for about half an hour and caught up with each other's life.  He said that he'd been keeping the ring and found it last week and wanted to send it back to me in case it held any sentimental value to me.  I was touched.  And I do want the ring back.  Want to see what he looks like?                                                                                  



I took this picture from his Facebook.  He's married, a cop, and has an adopted 7-year-old son.

3. CW:  CW was my first serious relationship.  I met him on a church mission trip called Salkehatchie (see a theme...).  We met the summer before my senior year of high school (2003) and started dating pretty much right away.  Again, this was a long distance thing (another unfortunate theme in my relationships). He lived about 3ish hours away and we both had cars, so it wasn't terrible.  He would come and spend the weekend at my house about every 6 weeks.  Doesn't sound like a lot, but it is when you're talking about being in high school and having your boyfriend come spend the weekend with you.  He was my first "real" love.  He wasn't the greatest boyfriend in the world, by he was mine.  He came to see me for Valentine's Day and wore a Piggly Wiggly t-shirt.  Not so classy.  The following summer, we we went back on the same mission trip.  (It was held in his hometown again so he was a volunteer.)  Four days before our 1 year anniversary, while he was less than 2 miles from the church where we spent the night, he dumped me over the phone.  I was heartbroken.  Couldn't function.  He said he just didn't love me anymore.  We continued to see each other throughout the week and I put on my brave face.  It also helped that I had a lot of guy friends on the trip and they made a point to talk about how great I was and how pretty I was right in front of him and he got pretty jealous.  We patched things up as far as the friendship went and ended on a better note.  We talked some over the years, mostly when he would call me when he was intoxicated.  I've since deleted his number from my phone, as I had no reason to call him.  Fast forward to this past Sunday morning.  I checked my phone when I woke up for church and I had received an inappropriate text from a number I didn't recognize.  What did the text say, you ask?  Well, it wasn't awful, but it was certainly creepy: "I want to f you."  Say what?!  I texted back and asked who it was.  I was thinking it was a wrong number or a friend playing a prank or just someone creepy that I would have to block immediately.  It was CW.  He responded and apologized.  Apparently, one of his friends had taken his phone and sent out random inappropriate texts.  We briefly texted back and forth about what we were up to these days and then said our goodbyes.  And I'm sure you want to see him, too, huh?                                                         



This is CW.  I don't really know what to say about him. 

So that was the awkwardness of my weekend.  And I saw Black Swan.  It was maybe the most disturbing movie I've ever seen, and I've seen some really disturbing movies.  (My cousin forced me to watch Faces of Death.  Google it if you dare.)  I left the theater feeling really uncomfortable and anxious.  And confused.

Creepy.

Awkward snuggles,
A

Touching your junk is rude, and so is ignoring my texts.

I must get this off of my chest...

My boss, bless his heart, has a terrible habit that makes me want to gauge out my eyeballs and run away screaming.  I hear you asking, "what could be so terrible?"  The man scratches his man-business all the time!  It has to be some major junk issue, because it's out of control.  He does it when he stands in front of my desk to talk to me...when his junk is at eye-level for me.  Inappropriate.  I clearly can't say anything.  What's a girl to do??

On another crotch-related note, Victoria's Secret has a sale on panties.  They are running a 7/$25 special on certain styles.  Check it out here!  Just just the promo code VS7PANTY when you check out.  [I just made myself a little uncomfortable talking about my boss's crotch and my crotch in the same post.  Please excuse me while I go vom.  Kthanks.]

I just checked my tracking number for FedEx for my iPad and it has been delivered!!  I can't wait to get home and play.  This will be my first Mac, other than my iPod, and my first touch screen so it's going to take some getting used to.  I think I can handle it.

Let's chat about men/Golf Guy.  I thought that he'd lost interest after my birthday festivities, and I tried to cope with that.  I'd texted him a few times with no response so I figured I should take a hint.  Last week, I get a random text from him asking if I would like to go with him to Atlanta to the Falcons game that Sunday.  Yes please!  Except I have to lead youth on Sundays.  Boo.  BFFAE and Mr. S invited me to go to a relatively new bar with them on Saturday night and I decided I should make the effort to be sociable.  (Mainly because I thought Golf Guy would be there.)  We exchanged texts and he had decided to stay home since he's partied a little too hard the night before.  We've been exchanging some flirty texts since then, and I really do like him.  However, he goes all "guy" on me.  One day he's texting and flirting and talking up a storm.  The next day...nada.  Can someone explain this to me?  I'd really love to hang out soon, but I refuse to be the pushy girl again.  I seem to always be enthusiastic about the possibility of a new romance, and I always get burned in the end.  Here's hoping I stick to my guns.  (Metaphorical guns.  Carrying around actual guns would be a bad plan.  Unless you live in Texas.  I hear children carry six-shooters in Texas.  Remind me to visit Texas someday.)  Seriously though...any advice?

Is it 5o'clock yet?

Winks and LOLs,
A

Hemingway's Whiskey

"If it was bad enough for him, you know it's bad enough for me."

Hemingway's Whiskey by Kenny Chesney {here}

I thought as my loyal readers (all 2.5 of you), that you should know what I almost did today at Lowe's.  My job sent me on a mission across the universe town to buy all the track-lights.  While on this quest, I almost proposed to a complete stranger.  It took all of my self-restraint to not do so.  He was a beautiful man, in a scruffy sort or way.  Torn jeans, tan skin, USC baseball cap (bonus points for being a Gamecock fan), and a buggy full of puppies.  Real puppies.  Three schnauzers to be exact. (And yes, I did just call that cart you push around the store and fill with your goodies a BUGGY.  That's the word.  Learn it, use it.)  *swoon*  Top put the juicy cherry on top of the whipped cream and sprinkles on top of the sundae, he had an Italian accent and drove a pickup truck.  Combination of my favorite things?  Yes.  You'll will be proud to learn that I did nothing more than make eye contact on go on my merry way.  But I wanted to marry him.


So, my cousin and her husband have 2 beautiful little girls with the squishy baby cheeks (on their faces) that you've ever seen.  The youngest's name is Hallie.  Here is Hallie:

Is she not the cutest little nugget you've ever laid eyes on?!

Daddy's side of the family is pretty religious and I don't think any of them believe in celebrating Halloween.  Supposedly the holiday has pagan demon-worshiping roots.  Idk.  Any, if this were my child, I would dress her as a pudgy little raspberry.  Why?  Because then she would be HALLIE BERRY. [collapsing on the floor in fits of laughter]

*crickets chirping*

Moving on...

Is it just me, or was cruise control way ahead of it's time?  I mean, cars that can drive themselves?  Isn't that a concept right out of "The Future" or something?  Since my foot is all broken and stuff, I tend to use my cruise control on the highway.  I used it a lot in my 1991 Acura Legend, back in college when I made those long drives to Richmond to see The Ex.  Of course, cruise control isn't that impressive anymore when we have cars that can parallel park themselves.  Still...I think it's pretty neat that I can tell my car to go 60mph and it obeys (within a 5mph range).  

Go ahead, call me weird.  I don't care.  Basically, I just posted a bunch of useless information.  Can you tell that it's Friday?!

Great Big Pink Sparkly Hearts,

A

PS- My new favorite blog to read is by MODG.  Funniest person alive, after Moi.