Guts shall be spilled.

Truth time. This isn't going to be an awkward post. It's going to be an honest one. You've been warned.

This is a tough time of year for me. It hasn't always been like that, but it is now. Last year, my Granddaddy passed away on New Year's Eve. I found out about it from my cousin's Facebook status. Utter devastation. If you're curious about details, I posted about it a few times last year. This year, the dread and realization set in earlier than expected.

My office was closed for the last week in December and I was happy for the break. I'd had plans of being productive and relaxing, but migraines robbed me of the rest I'd been hoping for. I lacked all motivation and was full of anxiety. It wasn't just about Granddaddy. More of the what-the-hell-am-I-doing-with-my-life kind. It was a rather overwhelming year of changes and growing up. It seems like everyone is getting married, starting great new jobs, going on awesome vacations...and I'm standing still. I have 2 great and steady jobs, so don't think I'm not grateful. I guess my life at 25 isn't quite what I'd imagined. I spend so much of my time working that I lack the energy to go out with friends much anymore. Working 6 days a week will do that to you. I'm really happy for the most part, but can't help but feel like I'm missing out. Know what I mean?

I had plans to go out with the BFFAE, her fiancé, and another couple on NYE. I wasn't looking forward to being a 5th but I knew it'd be fun. On the morning of NYE, I got a call that shook my world. It was from JJS (my preacher--who is also my boss--'s wife and mother of 2 of 7 youth). I'd emailed and texted her about teaching Sunday School the next day and hadn't heard from her, so I assumed that's what she was calling about. Her voice seemed off and she was distant. She took a deep breath and told me the news. Her husband, The Preacher, was in the hospital in NC. They'd been visiting family and he'd had what they thought was a stroke. At the ER, he had an MRI and it revealed a brain tumor. He's a healthy 43 year old with 2 teenage kids. The rest of the conversation was a blur. I spent the next few hours making phone calls and trying to remember how to breathe. These people are like family to me. I tried to wrap my head around it all, but kept having flashbacks of last NYE. I couldn't do that again.

I texted the BFFAE and told her I couldn't go out that night. I was too frazzled. I knew that if I even got 1 glass of celebratory champagne in me, I'd start doing the ugly cry in public. I stayed in and went over to spend the night at my parents' house. Mommy Dearest and I watched Horrible Bosses and ignored the fact that it was a holiday.

The Preacher had a biopsy yesterday to determine the nature of the brain tumor. I don't know the results. I've texted JJS and asked how I can help. I text PK (preacher's kid) Boy and PK girl everyday and tried to provide support and laughter. I've felt helpless. My spiritual rock was facing the possibility of cancer. I didn't have anyone to lean on in that regard.

I offered to stay at the house with PK Boy and PK Girl if they wanted to come home and she needed to stay in NC. It was something concrete that I could do to help. She thanked my and said it wasn't necessary. She changed her mind. The kids are coming home next week and I'll be staying with them Monday through Thursday next week. PK Boy is 13 and PK Girl is 16. They need to get back home and back to school. Now I'm just looking inward for the strength to support and comfort them through this.

This isn't meant to bring pity upon myself, but just to let you know where my head's at and explain my absence. If you could, say a prayer for The Preacher and his family. And for me, for strength. And patience. Dear Lord, I need patience.

If you made it through, I appreciate it. I promise I'll return to awkward posts and humor soon.

A